BABIES AND FAMILY PLANNING
Thinking of having children? Want some help in deciding? Then follow these few simple lessons before you book the obstetrician.
Lesson One
1. Pick up the paper.
2. Read it for the last time
Lesson Two
1. Between the hours of 5 pm and 10 pm, tune a radio to loud static and walk around the lounge room carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 6 kg.
2. Put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Between 12 and 1 am get up and walk around the lounge room again, with the bag.
4. Set the alarm for 3 am.
5. 2 am; Get up and make a drink so you can get back to sleep.
6. 2.45 am; Go back to bed.
7. 3 am; Get up, the alarm went off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Again, with the wet bag.
9. Set the alarm for 5 am.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
Lesson Three
1. Smear peanut butter onto the couch and jam onto the curtains.
2. Stick your fingers in poo.
3. Rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
Lesson Four
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
Lesson Five
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into a crocodile.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3. Take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball and an empty Coco Pops packet. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Lesson Six
1. Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove box of your car. Leave it there.
2. Get a dollar coin. Stick it in the cassette/CD player.
3. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.
Lesson Seven
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "Mummy" repeatedly.
2. Leave no more than a four-second delay between each "Mummy".
3. Include an occasional crescendo of this sound to the decibel level of a supersonic jet.
4. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
Lesson Eight
1. Borrow a pitbull terrier.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbull in the seat.
Okay, now you're ready.
